| Date: | 2005-01-26 21:52 |
| Subject: | Possiblities |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  scared | | Music: | anything goes! |
So all of my friends quit blogging. You losers.
Anyhow, the piano music for the musical is insane. Awesome, but insane. We are doing "Anything Goes" so it is all rag time, honky-tonky, silent movie piano music, with orchestral accompianment, not vis versa.
I have entire pages of ad-lib, where somebody is singing and well, i guess i'm supposed to make it up! I'm the only one who plays!
At rehearsal tonight, i just played chords, because all we had was a guitar book. But Mr. Matthews gave me the score to take home, and frankly...I'm terrified.
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| Date: | 2005-01-25 21:12 |
| Subject: | Sigh |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  gloomy | | Music: | i wish i you were here |
Never once have I wished more that it was possible to make someone care for you.
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The van takes FOUR HOURS to clean, inside and out.
My hands are very callused from scrubbing. She is so pretty. Well, no actually that is a monumental lie. She has never been anything near pretty, but she is prettier than she was at the beginning of the day. Inside, she smells like Pine-sol instead of beer.
Wait! Since when is my van a "she?!" Why did I choose to refer to "it" as that gender? "She" actually behaves more like a HE. More like an abusive, drunken HE that i am hopelessly, dysfunctionally bound to in a sick love-hate relationship. No matter how much attention I give it, HE never gives me the love i crave. I can beg and plead but it won't hear me or start. He laughs at my efforts. I can kick him in the belly and scream at him and he's still passed out cold on the sidewalk, refusing to move. He growls at me, slams me into poles, beats me, quits on me, but i love him and come crawling back, despite the abuse and bruises.
My van's a drunk. A hopeless drunk and I love him.
Someday I'll move on. I think that day might be coming soon, actually. I'm going to buy a new car to take to Laramie. I have about 3000 saved up. I think I'll want to save up about twice that. I don't want to buy a cheap shit box that i have to spend 1000 a year repairing. And i'm not even sure what i want. i really don't know very much about cars. I'll take recommendations! Sell me your old cars! I'm in the market!
*************
I have lost a lot of endurance on trumpet.
This weekend, I picked up my Holton and seriously played it for the first time since October. I made it through #14 in Arbans before my lips died. Well, i didn't play straight through, I got stuck a couple times and had to practice. Once I got to the end of 14, I couldn't even buzz my lips or make noise on the mouthpiece. It was pathetic.
Surprisingly though, I still have a decent range and I'm very happy with it. The high G-A-B-C's weren't too squeezed. Well, until my lips quit and all i could produce was fuzz.
I know it's because I am lazy and I'm playing into to it with a horn emboschure. I must be using too much lower lip, about 2/3 instead of 50-50. But even if I fix that, and play with the more suitable ratio, I get tired long, long before I used to.
My trumpet is more like a flirty frat boy. He's shiny silver and rich. He has nice things. He has friends and he gets me friends instantly. He's goregously hot and very high maitenence. If there's anything non-human that can make ya horny, lettme tell you! He's got personality and this devilish smile. I always wish I could play him more.
And though its immediately rewarding, I'll never could see myself with a frat boy seriously in the long run. i mean, come on.
Wow. Shit. My inatimate objects are now my boyfriends. Sexually starved, anyone?
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| Date: | 2005-01-04 21:13 |
| Subject: | A poem for the day |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  cold | | Music: | more jamie cullum |
Dear God,
So you know how our latest encounters haven't ended on pleasant terms, per se?
This outrage, this sadistic torture does not help the situation any.
Once I tore the wings off a little housefly.
But I was eight. And my sister told me to do it. And I felt bad so I smushed him immediately after anyway.
So pray tell, what is your excuse for that god-awful number on my thermometer?
Do you even have a divine purpose? Or was it just a rough day?
What did you say? I'm sorry. I can not hear you over my teeth chattering
Whatever possessed you to create weather this cold?
Well, I hope your car starts better than mine. And I hope hell is warm.
Sincerely your child,
Suzannah Carolyn
...Amen
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Its taken me about 18 years, but i've decided that lying is more of a bad idea than a good one. You know,I think I got that one down finally.
But what about keeping your mouth shut when something needs to said? (to your boss about a coworker) Is that wrong too? I mean, really?
Ugh. Why did they ever let me out of kindergarten?
********
Ben, by the way, thanks for 30 minutes of frisbee yesterday. I think i need more frisbee, and things of the like- to keep me sane. My life could also use a lot fewer messed up people. I want a sign to hang around my neck "if you are a messed up person, get away from me."
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| Date: | 2004-12-28 00:40 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
The old "keep hopping" mindgame. Switch the frogs
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/frog.php
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| Date: | 2004-12-27 23:48 |
| Subject: | UW it is, then |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  Anything except wiser | | Music: | Phish, "I awoke" |
“….and I awoke. Faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of who never spoke….”
Mother, have I yet succeeded in proving to you that going to school is a waste of my time? If you play your cards right, doing nothing will only be a waste of my time, not of your money.
Your education is a game of poker?
That’s right, mum. Poker.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ smeared on a fucking cracker.
“Fold, woman!” (I wish I had the mind to say)
Attn: Mira ‘roomie’ Calton:
Here’s the deal. I’ll throw in the Carr family second microwave.
Think it over.
So yes. I am going to Laramie.
But why? Well, silly , this is the reason why I wake up. That is all we teach our children. How to wake up. So I’m good at it and they gave me a scholarship.
Why? This is the reason why evil corporations that destroy the environment and the third world sporting green medusa logos on cardboard cups will inevitably make me poorer.
Why? Because i lost my lunch money. Because nobody else wanted me. because i forgot to put pants on. because.....the fridge was running?
Why? Reoccurrence is a mean playground bully. I'm so black and blue and swollen I can hardly speak.
Why? I am incapable of change.
Why?
“…my sight was poor, but I was sure, the Sirens sang their song for me. They danced above me as I sank...
…….and I awoke”
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| Date: | 2004-12-22 08:39 |
| Subject: | Bloody pillowcases |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  Paaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnn | | Music: | Sound of Music |
My mother came in my room last night at 3:00AM to give me penecillin. I spat out some bloody gauze and took the pill. Then as soon as she left i threw it up with some more blood. Apparently, they had to crack my upper left one into four pieces before they got it out. It hurts. I am not having a fun time. And I'm bored out of my mind. Call me somebody.
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I baked both Austin and CJ some brownies and I bought CJ a firewood (really good guy scent) candle from bath and body and I got Austin a cool hemp necklace
At work, some annonymus person gave me some earings. My holes closed up when I was 8. I think I'll go get them repierced. But i smiled and said thank you anyway.
Britt's & steve's presents are all ready to be mailed tomorrow
48 hours until wisdom teeth.....
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| Date: | 2004-12-18 12:10 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  angry |
Christmas questions I'd REALLY REALLY appreciate answers to:
1. What the hell do you get a openly gay, but touchy and easily offended, man-nurse for Christmas?!
2. Along the same lines as question #1, what do you get.....Austin Carmen (!!) for Christmas? I have no idea what he likes! God why does everyone want to do secret santa gifts? What are these people thinking?!
3. If I send a package to Germany now, (the 18th) when will it get there?
4. When am I going to be able to play trumpet after my teeth come out? How about a jazz ensemble New years eve? Is that wishful thinking?
5. Stupid holidays! BAAHUUMBUG!
GRAGGGGHUEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
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"Just A Little Bit"
Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
And maybe i'd get there.
Just a little bit pretty
Just a little more aware
Just a little bit thinner
And maybe i'd get there...
Clearly, clearly I remember
Hiking up my skirt
Asking for your time
Clearly, clearly I remember
Nervous if ever confronted
And questioning myself
Oh Perhaps, perhaps if I got better
Perhaps if I challenged myself
Perhaps if I was
Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
Maybe I'd get there...
Clearly, clearly I remember
Pulling up my skirt
Staring blank ahead
Clearly, clearly I remember
Days of useless crying
Almost feeling dead
Oh Perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller
Perhaps, I could control myself
Perhaps if I was
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| Date: | 2004-12-14 22:03 |
| Subject: | work |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  drained | | Music: | Sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent |
I concur the following:
Contrary to popular opinion, coworker secret santa is OB-NOX-IOUS. It is NOT cutesy and certainly NOT a bonding opportunity.
How, exactly, do they expect me to have spare money for this again?
This full body rash is an unwarranted attack
Strawberry Yoplait fixes itches.
The simple act of "going" to work is no longer my thing. I want a job where you don't have to go. Its not that I hate my job- really I don't. But GOING to work, as I'm sitting behind the wheel at each streetlight, I always have a burning temptation to drive to Kansas.
Vigorous, repeated handwashing with strong antibacterical is simply superb
for raw, peeling flesh.
And the million dollar question........
What DO you get male nurse for Christmas???
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| Date: | 2004-12-14 15:33 |
| Subject: | grades |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  hopeful | | Music: | Adam Sandlers "Hannukah Song" HELL YEAH! |
Dear livejournal
My oral commentary for English kicked ass. I feel awesomely confident. It was the best run through ever. I even made some jokes in it.
It should help the current English situation:
Course
IB Literature D
IB Biology B
IB Math Methods A
Fresh/Soph Band A
IB Spanish 4 A
IB TOK 2 A
IB History 12th A
Advisement
Uhhhh so its like a 66, it was a 47 last week....and I'm missing EVERYTHING, so it's not one of those-turn-in-a-big-project-or-make-up-a-test-and-fix-it D's. Its one of those Congratulations, Stupid, You-are-really-fucked D's. They keep calling me down to the IB office saying I'll get kicked out tomorrow if its not better and my automatic grade report gets emailed to me like every single day with **dropping grade alerts*** and ***failing grade alerts***
Its clogging up my inbox. I always hope when the cheerful little voice says "You have five new messages!" that one of them would be from Germany or my sister in Montana-but NOOOO! They are all from stupid East. AGH! How do you make them stop!!
It gets annoying fast when you just don't care to do anything about it. The commentary should help a lot. It will probably bump me up all the way to a C. So if I'd only start caring, a B would be easily attainable for semester.
lordy i'm so stupid. And lucky.
So drink your gin and tonica
and smoke your marjiuanica
put on your yamaka
and have a happy happy happy happy hannukah!
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| Date: | 2004-12-07 23:16 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  determined |
Paris, two things I know:
This whole 'things will work itself out' bit is a little dubious whenever disruptions are no longer an aberration, but the status quo.
Life is strange. I don't believe I know where I'm going, or what I'm leaving or even if it “will all come out in the worsh” --yet I'm far, far from unhappy.
And with that, I swear off ALL complaining.
~Sue
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*I realized today how much I want Daniel to make All Northwest. I realize how much I want for him. I realize our morning conversations driving to school are something a lot of siblings probably don’t have. I’m proud of him for making orchestra. And I AM proud of him for doing the honest thing with a girl, even though it was hard. I hope above all, he keeps his head on straight and thinks about her. And I’m not mad that he secretly reads my livejournal.
*I realize that I’ve made some significant leaps in playing the French horn this year. The ratio of my speedy improvement to my practice hours is mathematically nonsensical, but I’m not complaining. It’s nice to receive recognition for something I’m starting to do well. I realize that making all state (yippee) this year isn’t nearly as rewarding as finally enjoying to listen to myself play. Maybe I’ll even miss it.
* I realize that my mum is the strongest person I know
*I realize a few weeks and another semester is all that separates me from happiness. I can make it, I can make it…I feel like the little red caboose.
* I realize that I, being me, am going to have to learn how to function on my own. I’m going to have to toughen up. Is emotional independence attainable? (after Steve? ) How close, exactly, can I get to getting on by myself? Have I over-estimated my friends’ importance to my life?
* I realize that stealing other people’s opinions doesn’t make me cool. It only pleases teachers.
* I realize that it’s really easy to put off rethinking what I said to Ben the other night. Although all of it, ALL of it, was meant at the time, none of it was meant to be directed at him. I’m not going to go back and edit my thoughts, the static history of my emotions and therefore adulterate the purity. Editing them now is like cheating.
But perhaps it was unnecessary to involve him.
*I realize that my TOK presentation sucked, but it’s over and I’m done with TOK forever.
* I realize maybe I do afterall “care.” A little itty bitty bit
* I realize it will be okay. Someday, so will I.
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Laramie County School District Number One, just for the record-
I really, really, really hate you.
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My conversation with my boss's boss on the telephone:
"Hey Sue!"
"Hi"
"Listen, two people from day shift and four people from the night shift live out in the country and are completely snowed in. I know its' your day off, but I'll pay you time+a half if just to come in and help out with meals"
"Really?!"
"Sure, can you come from 11 to 12 and then 5 to 6? "
"Yup i can do that"
"can you hold? i have a call on the other line"
"Sure thing"
....(calculating in my head...fourteen bucks an hour...niiiiccee.)
......
"Actually, Sue, scratch everything i just said. I'll call Toby to help with meals. Do you think you will have school tomorrow?"
"I have no idea"
"Can you come in at midnight and work through the night?"
"I dunno if my parents will let me"
"Kiddo....How much would you like?"
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My grandmum is arriving here this evening while I'm at work. She arrives at 7;00, I get off at nine. The tension has been building in my house for days because of the cleaning and preparing. It's strange how I can put up with everyone in that generation except her. This is awful, but I scheduled myself for extra hours over break because I knew she was coming and I didn't want to be around the house.
Don't get me wrong, I love my grandmum, I just..well.. shes's slightly Alzheimer's-ry. I've heard her same old stories and her complaining too many dozen times. And my siblings think she's boring and can't stand her nagging so they all go play video games when my parents are at work. By default, and perhaps age and gender, I have always been the one who "visits" with her and gives up my bed and everything. It's irritating that my family (me included) treats her this way. She gets so lonely. Then thinking about the situation I get more irritated at her, me, everyone.
No grandmum, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I haven't thought about being a school music teacher. Yes, Christina made a lovely bride. Yes, I'll try to get married too....as soon as it happens, grandmum.
I'll just have to put on my fake smile for the next ten days of Cribbage and quoting the book of Leviticus.
oh and extended essay writing. that may be my refuge.
I've heard that people commit crimes just to get thrown into prison. Compared to the chaos of living, prison seems a very safe and calm paradise. I rather understand that mentality right now.
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Play stunk. Joe is taken. Oh well.
Once again, high school drama rules life.
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Wow. I've been updating this thing way too much recently...like daily
Today I gave blood at the blood drive. Thanks to work, I'm pretty much over my phobia of needles, so it wasn't scary and I didn't think it even hurt that bad. Until I stood up, that is. Apparently I bled really slow.. it took me almost 13 minutes. I bet my blood pressure was abysmal by the end of it.
I stood up and my vision blacked out and I couldn't see or hear anything for what seemed like twenty seconds, but it was probably only two.I didn't fall over or anything. I opened my eyes again and I walked over to the sign in table where april was and she didn't say anything she just opened her mouth really wide.. then people grabbed under my arms becuase they thought i was going to pass out and they laid me down on the gym floor and put ice packs on my head. They made me lie down for a full ten minutes. So i laid there and the gym floor was really cold and the ice packs were really cold so I got goosebumps everywhere...
I remember talking to April later and she said she had never seen anybody that white...I was ghosty pale and even my eyes had very little colour.
So she walked me to history class. I got lightheaded again on the stairs and really tired so I stopped on the landing. I blinked for a second and April said, "Cmon now Casper this is getting pitiful" which made me laugh A LOT.. I nearly had a signature Hubka-laughing-attack right there on the stairs . Which only made me more lightheaded.......anyhow now its been a few hours and I feel just fine.
I saw "Joe" in line to give blood, but he was way ahead of me and he didn't notic me. So Benji, in answer to the unasked question, theres nothing new with that. Meh.
Onto another subject. Im' taking Robbie and Joanna out to 35 cent little america ice cream and East's school play "Teach me how to cry" tonight. So I'm forgetting that I have homework because tonight is EVENS NIGHT, and we had to skip it last month for some reason.
Generally the Carr kids are split into friendship clans as follows:
Natural Division one: age
big kids: Chris-Me-Daniel
little kids: Robbie-Geoff-Jo
Logistical Division two: odds/evens
I have to admit the odds are closer to each other than the evens
odds: Chris-Daniel-Geoffrey
evens: Sue-Robbie-Joanna
It just has worked out that way.. It started back when Christina and I used to babysit and Chris would be in charge of Dan and Geoff and I'd get the other two. But over the years, it's really developed into further practical purposes. Sometimes we will give the odds Christmas Presents.. for instance, a giant lego set from the evens to the odds. And for fairness sake, that's usually how we divide up for chores rotation... even though the odds are all proportionally older and kick out butts in competitions and games and stuff...it just always happens to work out that way.
Christina and Robbie aren't close and Daniel and Jo aren't close. But (Chris + Dan) and (Rob + Jo) are very close because they are in two clans together. These pairings naturally force me to get along with Geoffrey..Its very complicated personality-wise but it keeps friendshipsvery well balanced. i think my best friends as far as siblings are Chris and Dan, and usually it works that you are the closest to those who are in your first division, versus your even-odd division.
It just so happens that the Evens are the most unusual and dysfunctional clan of all. Robbie, jo and I are clearly more sensitive than the others but we also have the most starking contrasts of anybody. So monthly evens night is always kinda interesting and it's hard to find things to talk about. I usually pick the place and I never know if they enjoy it. I hope they don't get bored tonight.
Wow. i havnen't thought about all my siblings like that in a while. It makes me really miss Chris.
anyway, i've been writing forever.. goodnight
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